a lost friend, a new home

The arrow that is last shot, cannot be split by another arrow
Standing alone in its uniqueness
Well baby it's been heading right for us for awhile now and, trust me, it's not the last arrow
Our hearts are seeping through the cracks in the sidewalk, like wild flowers,
Like wild children,
Like wild hearts
Sunlight is seeping through the windows to our souls and it's dyed red
Like the blood that's coursing through our veins
The same blood that's been there since sixth grade,
Friends are said to be two peas in a pod,
Or two feathers of the same bird, but baby peas get separated into different cans and are put on Different shelves,
And birds shed!
We were at a tender age of eleven and twelve, finding home on the playground beneath a canopy of laughs, blue and green bandannas, and scraped knee caps
Before we even knew, we were at the tender age of sixteen and seventeen and our home was swept away in the wind
Our peas were separated, and our feathers were shed
Our home became a compass and when the dials stopped spinning
You and I were pointing different directions
Birds weren't meant to withstand the cold for too long, and neither was I
I migrated upward, further from the ground, and closer to the stars
And closer to a home more fit
For my new feathers

#DIFFERENT

I found this video the day that we talked about flow.

M.A.S.H.

when i was a little girl
i thought that m.a.s.h. really decided my fate
and no matter how many times i would play
it never ended up the way i wanted

but if you know what you want,
      then why leave it all up to chance?

l o v e

love is blood
it's runny and red and thicker than water
it's got fingertips like ice and a bonfire hot enough to melt alaska

love is black and white
and love is every shade of gray

love is a flashlight
and love is the one who turned off the lights in the first place

it's the confusion and the clarity
the ocean and the grain of sand

it's both the pain and the relief
it's the unimaginable and the unduplicable

it's indescribable by science
and I think that's why we call it magic

the only thing i've always known i wanted out of life is
      this flashlight,
            this confusion,
                  this pain,
                        this relief,

                              this magic

love is too big
      love is too small
            and i promise you

                  that love doesn't fit in a box

sofar sounds

THIS

AMY LEON

this is my re-introduction

my name is madison and there's only one person in this world that can say it that way without it sounding out of place
      and it's not either one of my parents
i've never been good at saying my own name
      and i've gone my whole life by the condensed version
i've never loved being called by my actual given name
      until now
           because it's said by him


my name is madison and i haven't sat down to read a book in way too long
      and i hate that
it's taken way too long for the earth to warm up again
      and i hate that
having donald trump or hillary clinton take over as president is an actual possibility
      and i hate that
i don't live near a beach
      and i hate that
the construction outside my bedroom window starts every morning at 7am
      and i hate that
i haven't been very good at looking at the bright side lately
      and i hate that


my name is madison
      i love listening to and singing songs
i love playing board games and card games
      i love being in rooms with lots of windows
i love sunflowers and movies and love and love movies and stars and him

my name is madison
       and when i grow up i'm not going to grow up and i'm going to be happy

paris syndrome

Paris was supposed to know me.
Paris was supposed to tell me who I am so don't have to go on wondering.
But the first thing paris said to me when I stepped off the plane was:

"Madi, you know it doesn't work that way."

what i had forgotten was Paris isn't just a one stop destination.
Paris is a stop along the way on a journey of discovery.
It's a place where bits and pieces of myself are hidden all over the city, and to find them, I can't just stay put. I have to go exploring.
I have to go to all of the small bakeries, all the museums and monuments, and all the secret cafe's that sell the best drinks and pastries.

Paris knew me better than I knew myself,
but I had no idea.
I had never met myself until Paris painted me on the crouded streets of the city,
a pathway to a whole museum full of artwork masterpieces!
Famous artist's work plastered all over the walls.
And each of them was a part of me,
never even seen by my eyes before.
I was on my journey of discovery.

I've always envied people who have come back from Paris.
So sure of themselves, knowing who they are.
I've always wanted that.
To go to paris.
To find myself.
But now that i'm here,
it doesn't seem real.
I dont know myself like I thought I would,
and i dont know how to fix that.
Maybe i should spend more time alone with myself,
or take myself out on dates.

It's just, I think I deserve to know the person i'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

s m o k e

You fill my lungs with smoke.
And not the second hand kind of smoke.
No, you're the dark gray kind of smoke.
The heavy kind of smoke.
Your'e the kind of smoke that consumes my entire being in just one hit.
And with that kind of smoke,
I'm becoming an addict
I'm becoming a 3 packs a day kind of girl,
a 4 packs a day kind of girl,
a 5 packs a day kind of...

6 packs and your nose touches mine
7 packs and you pull me in close
8 packs and our lips meet

I'm becoming a 9 packs a day kind of...
Hell, I'm at 10 packs a day and who knows if this road will lead to lung cancer

but at least I'll die happy.

Real Talk

Hi my name is Madison.
I was born on September 25th.
My parents got divorced when I was in 4th grade and now that's all my relatives ever really seem to remember about me.
In 5th grade both my parents got remarried.
In 6th grade I came home with bruises on my arms because I was always trying to swing the full circle.
In 7th grade I asked my mom if I could sluff activity day and when she said yes, I got to watch my best friend make out with the guy I was crushing on.
In 8th grade I played a fish in a musical.
In 9th grade I finally found my best friends.
In 10th grade my mom told me she'd get me a car if I kissed a certain boy.
and at the end of 11th grade I crashed that car.

Hi my name is Madison and I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in a desk from 7:45-2:15 most days and I hate it.

Hi my name is Madison and I'm lost.
I turned right at the 600 hall and walked straight to the counseling office
but when I stopped for directions, all they managed to do was tell me how to get to a bunch of places that I don't even want to go to.

Hi my name is Madison.
I like testing out couches,
and leaving butt prints in the sand,
and going to Costco just for the samples,
and napping,
I like holding puppies,
and star gazing,
and driving.
and going to the aquarium to watch the penguins and the otters.

I want to go somewhere.
But nowhere that the counselors are recommending because they won't tell me I should take the detour and stop along the way, at that little cafe for homestyle grilled cheese sandwiches, or at that canyon where you can hike up some cool waterfalls, or at that petting zoo on the side of the road, or at that little stand where the Cherokee Indians are selling their homemade jewelery, or at that place where they'll tell you to follow your heart instead of those people who end up hating what they do.

I want to stop at all of those places and more.

I want to take the detour.