Do liars really never prosper?

I lied.

I had butterflies last night.

i'm still scared

"I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,

but now I'm insecure and I care what people think."

-TOP

Tell Me.

how do i know
if i am alive?

i mean,

i have a heartbeat,

and that should be enough to convince me.

but it's not.


this life is all about
living
and dying,

but one can only die
if they were alive to begin with.



i've always been afraid of dying,

but why?

the trees make it look so beautiful,

they radiate colors from every spectrum
and ever so gently fall apart.


i can only dream of being so ravishing,

even
with
the heartbeat.


i'll join the trees some day,
in more ways than one.


but for now,
i've got a heartbeat,

and diamonds on the inside.

i have a brick or two i guess

i found a brick in my shoe once.

one brick.

that was it.

but since then very few days have gone by without finding one hiding in my shoe

and each time, my chin was down
looking at my feet

i've been standing on a mountain of bricks for years

one for my siblings making me walk home from the park alone
one for the polaroid pictures on the floor of dad's work van, and another for the night i said i hated him.
one for my cat named cutie pie another for my giant goldfish named goldie (real original) and another for my lizard named chuck
one brick for the time i stole from the girl next door
and one more brick for when my mom made me go back and apologize

one for the broken barbie tricycle
one for hitting my chin on the bottom of the pool
and another for the garbage bags taped to my matress

one for my great grandma's funeral
and two for uncle jerry and aunt kathy

50 for the day my parents split up
and one too many for each day after that

one for the first time i saw my dad cry...
but one for every time i've found my mom crying since then

one for the day my mom got remarried...
but two for the day my dad did

one for each night my brother was gone
another for the lack of friends in elementary school

and another for almost every christmas since the divorce

one for my awkward first kiss

another for actually almost dropping out of school
and another for staying

one for each poem

ten for the day my heart was broken

and an extra ten for hunter dahl

one for my car accident
and one more for my cat.



i'm still collecting my bricks.


but now i'm looking up
because i'm building a staircase out of all the bricks i found in my shoes.

Since November

I keep trying to talk myself out of loving you.

But I found my heart in the compartment between the seats in your car.